GROWING UP ADD: THE MIDDLE YEARS
eral, good adult supervisors and coaches:
> teach children how to play or perform
without overly high expectations
> praise children for giving their personal best
> accept the game official’s ruling
> work children at practice with a plan
for improvement
> let all children have fun.
If your child is on a team with a coach who
doesn’t do these things, try to switch your
child to another team (this will be hard, but
it’s worth a try), or withdraw your child from
the team. You don’t want to invest time in an
activity that frustrates you and your child, so
try to avoid a demoralizing experience.
Tell Me What’s on Your Mind
How to get your ADHD child to talk to you about, well, everything.
BY CRAIG B. WIENER, ED.D.
secure relationship with
your child and
break down
the barriers,
so she will talk
without reservation, share
what she feels,
and take steps
toward solving
problems?
You can
develop a style
of interacting
with your child
that makes it
safe for her
to speak her
mind. Here are
ways to do it:
> Talk
with her about the conse-
quences of leaving a prob-
lem unresolved or a chore
undone, without telling her
that she should change. Is
she prepared to deal with
the consequences?
> Use humor to put
her at ease. For example,
you could say, “Now, where
should we put the dirty
dishes? In the backyard? Oh,
in the dishwasher? OK, why
don’t you help me?”
> Talk with your palms
open rather than with your
fingers pointed at her.
> Ask her to say
whatever comes to mind,
without being concerned
whether she is right or
wrong.
> Ask her the same
question in different ways
to get a response. If she is
, maybe
Involve Yourself in the Activity
Get to know other parents while your child
is getting to know the other children. Socialize with them, and join them as they watch
the activity. If other parents are helping as
assistants, offer to help them.
If your child has a lot of social problems,
try not to be a coach-parent. If you’re like
most other parents, the game will get your
competitive juices flowing as you coach the
team. You will have limited time to oversee
your own child’s behaviors.
Make Play Dates
You’ve met other parents, your child has met
other children, and he has made a good first
impression. Now you can make plans to get
the children together. Start by asking your
child if there is anyone special he would like
to play with.
Dad: Anyone on your Little League team
you’d like to invite over for a couple of hours?
Child: I don’t know.
Dad: How about Tommy? You seem to get
along with him, and I can ask his dad.
Child: OK.
Start with a short play date before or after
practice, and see how it goes.
Your child doesn’t have to be talented in
an activity to use it to meet and make friends.
He needs only to know enough about it to
choose others to play with who are at his
own skill level. A
HAVE YOU EVER done the following dance with your
ADHD child? You ask for
her input on something im-
portant, like turning around
her grades or figuring out a
way to clean a corner of her
room while still having time
to play video games, and she
doesn’t want to talk. She
mumbles, “I don’t know,”
“Maybe,” “What do you
want me to say?”
It’s common for a child
diagnosed with ADHD to
avoid these discussions
because she has come to
expect negativity and blame
when others address her
problems.
not reacting, ask her, “What
if you took a guess?”
> Make it safe for her to
be candid. Ask her, “What’s
the worst thing that could
happen if you told me what
you think?” Reassure her
that you will be positive and
encourage her to tell you
when she is upset.
> Let her know that her
ideas are important. They
can help determine family
policy. Show her that you
are willing to understand
her point of view. After she
speaks, repeat what you
think she said.
> Allow your child time
to speak and complete her
ideas before you jump in.
> Encourage her to
clarify, if you are unsure of
what she is saying. That will
help you stay connected.
> Notice when she
starts to disengage from
the conversation, and
address the problem. Ask
her: “You don’t look excited.
What are you feeling? What
can I do to make it easier for
you to talk with me?” A
Reprinted by permission of the publisher, John
Wiley & Sons, Inc., from Friends Forever, by
FRED FRANKEL, PH.D. Copyright (c) 2010 by
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Break Down
the Barriers
How do you build an open,
Excerpted and used with
permission by Ne w Harbinger
Publications. Parenting Your
Child with ADHD: A No-Nonsense Guide for Nurturing
Self-Reliance and Coopera-tio n, by CRAIG B. WIENER,
ED.D.
